Finally, it's here.I'd appreciate some feedback on mine as well (especially since the reported incident will be written relatively soon)
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- Ran and Shai - Sgt Avina Verana: An interesting insight. Would have loved a little more personality to Avina, but interesting nonetheless.
- Wraith0912 - Anthony-024: Loved the introduction of 'Charles Bonnet Syndrome' for additional depth.
- Crimson Flyboy - Captain Miller: A competent write-up that tends to avoid hyperbole.
Not a problem.
The main issue I had with this assessment is that it seemed to be lacking dramatic elements. That probably sounds a little strange considering what's described in the story, but it in the way that it's described that hinders here.
Take the following: Spartan Yakushev
has been found in violation of Spartan Ethics Protocol (SEP 304.17
) following the death of her squadmate [Hackett, Emily
]. Though the mission was a success, Yakushev
has developed a deep-seated, almost irrational hatred towards non-human species, primarily the Sangheili
This passage comes across as relaxed, even a little informal. Though the tone is undeniably formal and distant. And that's the main issue here, we don't really get a sense of the Spartan's personality. We know what they did. That much is clear. But we need to ick up on hints of personality without is being overtly described. Adding more subtext in there would have helped enormously, as would changing the tone of the language. Allow me to use my own as an example...
Li, B-128, is a troubled individual
with an extensive history of egoistical objectives and their resultant actions, particularly when it comes to the Covenant. Li is ruthless in practice but prefers to fight the Covenant over any member of the Insurrection, which sometimes puts him at odds with his ONI Handler and other members of the team, especially COBRA-ONE (A-233).Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary he continues to deny his involvement in the theft of several Covenant close quarter weapons from the secure storage facility in the Hashva Valley on Onyx
. Efforts to repatriate these items have thus far failed.
Li often exhibits a disregard for authority
and finds it hard to mix with other team members – preferring, instead, to work alone. A result of his abandonment, no doubt
. As of late, B-128 has expressed an interest in improving his communications and technical relay training, perhaps with the actual intention of qualifying this time, though I have my doubts.
I recommend a remedial phase of team-orientated training and assignments so that he may prove himself useful in larger engagements and with larger squads – and the immediate cessation of all ‘Lone Wolf’ Operations.
My passage comes across as a by the numbers report. But if you look closely there are elements of subtext and a sense of personality both for Li and the person writing the report. I've highlighted those in bold.
It's important that you don't feel a need to explain absolutely everything in the report. Leave elements open for the reader to interpret. In my case the mention of Li's abandonment, the theft of weapons, and Li's interest in pursuing comms training. If these elements cause you ask questions then you're on to something. But obviously those questions shouldn't be to the detriment of the readers' understanding of the report.