By Yapyap THE DESTROYER -
ATTENTION ALL HUMANS!
It’s ME, the famous Yapyap THE DESTROYER! HERE is a story about somethin’ that happened to me, so PAY A TENSION so you understand THE TWISTED REALITY that your puny lives have become!!
Now, I ain’t want to be somuch technical that you can’t understands me, but I been usin’ the Domain to access human communications for 365 earthdays now! And I been learnin’ up on all KINDS of human secrets! But more than any secrets, I learned that humans are MEAN TO ME!!! They’re always doin’ talks about Master Chief THIS and Demon THAT and makin’ fun of how I breathes! WHO DOES THAT? JERKS do that, because Yapyap THE DESTROYER answers his OWN historical questions!
And so I spent all the earthyear gettin’ my feelers hurt by mean humans. But I remembered back when I did THE YAPPENING and ohhhhhhhh did you humans ever PAY! So I wanted to do it AGAIN but EXTRA BAD to make ‘em know that I think HATE at ‘em pretty much all the time! (Even when I think somethin’ nice there’s a little bit of hate in there somewhere.)
I figured out from my memory that there was a Forerunner artifact that made things happen last time, so I thinked up that a LOT of artifacts would make a LOT of things happen THIS time! That’s simple mathematics, mm-hmm. So I ordered ALL my local units to bring me the artifacts that are just floppin’ around all OVER the Ark – for seriously, this place has a CREASEload of artifacts.
And my loyal troops bringed me all KINDS of mystical garbage. There was stuff that I didn’t even know what it was! There was a sprinklin’ of slipspace flakes and some probability mirrors and some pistachios and FIVE Janus Keys and a thing called a Fragment of Divinity and some MORE pistachios!!! And I put it allll in a real nice pile outside.
And I looked at that big ol’ pile and did my most important shouting. I said “HELLO” and “ACTIVATE” and “OH BOY LET’S GO OKAY” and everything like that … but there was nothin’ happened.
Stupid artifacts of un-measurable power! What good are they? NO GOOD they’re ALL STUPID so I did a very natural thing when I’m mad and THREW PLASMA GRENADES AROUND and I was YELLING WITH MAD and tellin’ everything to RUDE OFF and the grenades EXPLODED!
But then it was like things was frozen? Not COLD frozen, but the kinda frozen when you’re little and get caught lickin’ the levers of the gruel chute at night and the lights turn on and it’s everybody settin’ up a trap to see who was lickin’ and all you can say is IT’S NOT ME DOIN’ IT but everybody’s already mad and you’re just holdin’ still hopin’ they’ll fall tosleep but they DON’T and there’s CONSEQUENCES
So it was just like that, with all the artifacts kinda frozen in the middle of exploding, but I could move. And I figured this was a GREAT time to go and sneakily lick the levers of the gruel chute so I turned around to go BUT THEN!!!!
There was a shimmery kinda energy all overs that shimmered and shammered and then a voice came out, a big deep croaky voice, and it sounded like this: “As foretold, He has come. Yapyap. One heeds His call. Bend to Him, holder of the zenith geas, ruler of all thema.”
I thought maybe this was like a important moment! So I said, real bravers, “GO AWAY YOU IDIOT OR I WILL CRY!”
And the deep voice rumbled and said “Yapyap. The last living synchron. The Mantle is His. One awaits His command. The world-lines shall be remade at His will.”
I didn’t understand all of those words, but it sounded serious so I knew it was time to very carefully choose my talking!!
So I took a nice breathin’ calmdown and got ready to say somethin’ REAL important, like that a real ruler of the everyverse would say. And I was thinkin’ maybe like “My proud people have been underfoot for too long, let us rise as one!” That sounded pretty GREAT but then I thought that “underfoot” was a funny word because you don’t say OVERFOOT! But why not? If I wanted to say it NOBODY could stop me! Maybe I’ll just say “I wish everybody said overfeet!!!!” because that’s VERY much important!
And while I was thinkin’ my mouth did a big burp and I just kinda said “YAPYAP IS BEST!!!”
And everything just kinda fizzled away and the deep voice said “Uh … thus speaks the Ur-Reclaimer, and so it shall be.”
But I was kinda zoned out thinkin’ about how if a meatball hatched, what kind of bird would come out?? And I yelled WAIT my REAL wish was that I knew all about MEATBIRDS!!!
But the deep voice was faraway-quiet and fading and saying something like “can’t believe that was the right guy” but it was TOO LATE ANYWAY because I seen a rock on the ground that looked a LOT like a gray potato and so I was commanding my troops to come look at it!! And I forgetted all about the other thing.
So the mortal of the story? Well, just ‘cuz things didn’t change HERE maybe doesn’t mean they didn’t change someplace else! Maybe things changed THERE a whole LOT and all the pathetic humans have to DEAL WITH THE CHANGES!! Probably FOREVERS!!!
But out here, things are pretty much the same. Maybe there’s somethin’ different in the stars, but I kinda feel like they’re how they was always supposed to be. I just hope that everyplace looks at the stars and knows YAPYAP IS BEST!!